Is there a pill for Managerial Dysfunction?

My wife has been driving herself nuts worrying about her application to a PhD program. She's not worried about taking the GRE or how to pay for it or the time it'll take or the work involved. Instead, she can't seem to convince her boss to write a GODDAMN LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION. You see, my wife is an assistant principal and as I've had it explained to me recommendations from her direct supervisor are quite important.

Now this request isn't anything out of the ordinary. Writing letters of recommendation for graduate school admissions is a normal activity - part and parcel of the job. Of the five (5) people my wife has requested recommendations from, her principal is the only one to openly give her grief about it. All of the Deans of Instruction and Superintendents she's asked have been not only professional but enthusiastic in my wife's pursuit of her PhD. These people genuinely LIKE my wife. She's one of the rare ones who actually has a CAREER. While most of us suffer through life working a job to pay the bills (I'm now doing my 12th year in my latest job) she has a real, honest to Gawd, penchant and passion for what she does and SHE'S BLOODY GOOD AT IT...and it shows.

So I have to wonder why out of all of those people who know my wife, her skills, her competence and her intellect, her immediate boss is the odd man out? Actually I don't have to wonder as the reason doesn't really matter, it's the actions that count and in this case his inaction is screwing with my wife's life in a way that should piss-off anybody.

I've come to learn over the years by listening to the phone calls and tales and issues that her principal isn't the most solid individual when it comes to strength of leadership and management. Very simply, he suffers from what many managers suffer from: low self-esteem coupled with high ego. As simplistic as this analysis is it amply describes the capricious nature of his treatment of his immediate staff and his invalidating behavior. When asked for a letter of recommendation this guy told my wife to write it herself and he would sign it. Ethical? I think not.

To me and my wife, ethics are important especially in positions where one is imbued with the public trust. For her to write her own recommendation for his signature could be considered fraud if it ever came out. Why he thinks this would be a good idea I don't know but there you have it, the real question: What the hell is he thinking?

Of course, my own experience working in the industry that birthed Scott Adams and his Dilbert cartoon has given me plenty of experience in dealing with people and situations like this. I find that formally documenting such requests with the legalese found in Codes of Business Conduct usually puts things in the proper perspective for everyone. My wife is a little softer in that arena due to her age and lack of experience but she agreed to play MY game for a bit.

Her email elicited the anticipated CYA response from him as well as the silent treatment which can be infuriating in its own way when you work in a tight-knit environment like a public school administration team. However, as I pointed out to my wife, she was suffering before and getting nowhere, now she's suffering and moving forward. Misery loves company and there's nothing like giving as good as you get.

What sort of recommendation she'll receive from this guy is anyone's guess. For someone who is constantly concerned about his image, he's going to look pretty stupid if his letter is so far out of touch with all of the others. It might raise a flag and some questions to my wife why the differences and that's when she can honestly tell them that "He was upset because I told him I thought it unethical to write it myself. I have the email if you would like to see it." Or, it might mean nothing and the letters are just a check box for the application office.

What's next for her? Play it cool and keep the mood light like it never happened. Nothing throws people off more than being smacked down for their B.S. and then taking the professional high road.